


Precious Beings

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Force Awakens AUs [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Han Solo Lives, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Kylo comes home to the Resistance and his pilot.





	Precious Beings

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Just because Ben Solo came home doesn't mean that everything's all right again. It doesn't mean that the story's over. Kylo Ren -- and he's keeping the name Kylo Ren for now. He doesn't know if he can get used to being called Ben Solo again -- enters the base, and he can hear the whispers of disbelief.

_Ben Solo, Kylo Ren?_

_It can't be._

_Such a nice kid; what the hell happened?_

_His own family and he broke off from them; what the hell happened?_

_What the hell happened?_

And that's a question that Kylo doesn't know how to answer. Part of it was Snoke. Part of it was that feeling of loneliness at the Academy, no matter how many beings were in his life. That feeling of not fitting in, of being one of the worst things a Jedi could be: imperfect. Part of it was Poe. Then there was Thomas Delgado, and other things. Broken parts, broken pieces that made no sense.

He doesn't look at anyone. He doesn't know if he wants to. Without the mask, he feels very much naked, very much exposed for scrutiny, for questions. It's his father's presence by his side that's stabilizing.

The scavenger and FN-2187 give him a wide berth; they're still not used to him.

Kylo can't say he blames them.

At the end of the line is Poe Dameron, and Kylo's heart skips a beat. This man is here. His husband.

The man he tortured.

Poe meets his eyes briefly, and Kylo knows full well what he's thinking. _He's home. He came home to me. But can I forgive him for hurting me I love him I love him so much I hate him I hate that I love him so much how could he do this to me I married him I loved him --_

Kylo Ren can't deny any of this.

What do you do when you've done something so massive, so horrifying, so beyond any form of forgiveness...when you've done this?

He continues forward, and looks away from Poe Dameron. He looks away and says nothing, because he's too much of a coward.

***

He could have talked to Kylo, he really could have, and yet he couldn't bring himself to. After everything Kylo had done -- including what he did to Poe -- facing him is something Poe knows will be difficult. 

"Why?" Jess sounds as much in shock as the others. "Why him, of all beings?"

"I don't know, Jess."

There could have been a multitude of reasons for Kylo Ren turning to the Dark Side. Some would say they didn't matter, but to Poe they do. He can still remember that night when Ben promised that no matter what happened, where they both went, Poe would always be the love of Ben's life. 

It didn't stop Ben from torturing him. Invading his mind, tearing down the walls like they were made of tissue...

And now, Poe doesn't know what to do. 

***

The quarters that he's in are cozy enough at least; they're nothing ornate, but Kylo can't say that he minds. After all, his own quarters on the _Finalizer_  were nothing truly fancy. But they already feel like a prison in and of itself. 

(He was terse throughout the reunion with his mother, speaking only when spoken to, keeping silent otherwise. He wasn't ready to talk to her, not after all she did to him. Up to and including keeping his parentage from him. The others he knows he's done some wrong towards, but his mother? She's done so much to him, she's hurt him so much, she hates him, how can she be genuine about wanting him back when she's hated him just about all his life -- ?)

A gilded cage is still a cage, and Kylo, alone with his thoughts, feels like he may go mad with them. 

***

As far as Poe can see, Ben's already cooped up in his own little space. He eats with his father, picking at his food and looking like he hasn't slept well, and to some people it would be satisfying. 

It's not. 

Even as the others laugh and talk, Poe finds his eyes drawn back to Ben, who's still picking at his food, and he wonders what exactly happened to Ben to change him from the monster he met on Tuanul to someone who's withdrawn into his own little shell. 

"Ben, you okay?" Han's voice. "Try and eat something, kiddo."

Finally, Poe gets up and heads towards the table where Ben's eating -- well, making a miniscule effort to eat, at least. Ben looks up at him, and there's something in those eyes that suggests a dog that's been kicked. He flinches away from Poe like he's trying to make himself small, and Poe wonders what exactly Snoke did to him. 

Actually, that's a question that he can apply to what just happened in general. What did Snoke do to his husband? To his angel, for that matter? What in the name of the stars did  he do?

"Ben." Poe speaks softly all the while. "It's just me."

"I know." Ben's voice is flat all the while. 

"The food's not poisoned, you know."

Ben doesn't laugh. He takes a tentative bite, looking like he expects to be hit. 

And he'll probably continue looking like that while General Organa gives him a slap on the wrist. She's good as given him a slap on the wrist anyhow. 

Ben picks at his food again, and Poe finds that the complicated feelings in him only continue to stir. 

***

 

The monsters, the nightmares...all these things come at night. The worst things come at night, of course. Kylo Ren knows from experience that the worst things come at night. Visions of those he's killed, for example. The call of the Light taking different forms, for another. And now, the Supreme Leader. 

Some of it is a memory. Berating, half-truths, all sprinkled in with the Leader's own pain. 

Some of it is too much in the present. The Supreme Leader's outrage echoes in his mind. The outrage over leaving him, betraying him just like Yoda did. 

Either way, Kylo Ren can't sleep. He can't sleep and he despises it. He lies awake with Snoke's voice bellowing in his ear and that dark presence tearing his mind apart, his hands clapped over his ears. It's then that there's a knock on the door. 

"Ben?" Poe's voice. 

He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve any of this. He is a betrayer, on top of everything else he's done. He never should have come back. 

He never should have --

"Ben? Please, open the door."

"Go away."

"I will. Just open the door."

"You hate me." Kylo is aware of how immature it sounds, but it is the truth. 

"I...I want to help you."

Slowly, Kylo gets to his feet and opens the door. Poe lingers there in the doorway, in his pajamas, looking for all intents and purposes like he's been having a rough night too.   

"We do have a lot to talk about," Poe says. "I do have a lot of questions."

Kylo can feel as much. All the buried anger, the compassion that lies with it, love and hate, all of it two sides of the same credit chip, aren't they?

"Go ahead," he says. 

"How could you, Ben?"

Kylo doesn't know what exactly he's referring to. It could be just about anything, actually. Stars knows he's done a lot of terrible things. 

"How could I what?"

"Everything you did."

"I thought..." He doesn't know what he thought, actually. In the end, was it all in service of the First Order? It was, wasn't it? It was all in the service of the Supreme Leader, who assured him that he was doing something right, something just...

"What did you think?"

"I thought I was doing what I could, under the circumstances." It sounds pathetic, it is pathetic, but it's true.

"What did Snoke say to you?" Poe says. "That night he kidnapped you, what did he say to you, Ben? What did he do to you?"

"He showed me the truth."

"What truth?"

Even going into detail about it all, about what Snoke had showed him, the fight on the _Liberator,_ and everything else, Kylo feels almost like he wants to weep. Poe's eyes are wide all the while, and he's clearly taking this all in. Finally, he says, "You...really thought you were alone, Ben?"

"Yes."

"You had me."

"But in the Order, I was alone." Even thinking back to the Order is like thinking back to a whole ocean of loneliness, of not quite fitting in, of not being good enough. "I thought my destiny was at Snoke's side, helping him bring some sort of order to the galaxy. And I wanted you to come with me."

"You really think I would follow the First Order?"

"I wanted us to be together. On the Dark Side or not, we would have been happy." Kylo puts a hand to Poe's cheek, carefully. He's already broken this perfect being. He can't break him any more.

"I couldn't have. Ben...those people are evil!"

"I know. I did...terrible things. I thought I couldn't come back from that."

"Finn was able to."

"Who?" Then it dawns on Kylo. "Of course. It is something you would do, isn't it, Poe?"

"He deserved a name."

"Of course. Though why Finn?"

"FN...Finn...it just seemed to fit. But Finn was able to come back. You can too."

"That was different."

"But you can still come back."

And Poe seems to have so much faith in him in that moment that it's painful to witness. 

"It will be a long road." Kylo takes a deep breath -- he's not ready to be called "Ben" yet. Right now, he doesn't know who he is. "But I'll be ready for it."

And that...that's what really matters, doesn't it?

 


End file.
